Beauty Out of Ashes

This wasn't the post that I was planning on this morning, but sometimes you gotta go with the flow. I got to work early this morning, and like most mornings when I come in early, I grab a cup of coffee and read a few blogs before I start my day. Of course, my favorite one to read is my cousin's blog. So I was pumped when I saw that she had a new post up. Fast forward to me reduced to tears at my desk, but in a good way, of course!  Her post touched my heart. You can read her post here (His Plans for Us). I find it funny that she posted this because last night, I was reading my Bible and I came across this:

I had dated it 5/17/2011. It's Psalm 56:8 and says "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." When I came across that, I shuddered to think about where I was a year ago and thanked God that I was no longer in that place. I remember being comforted by this verse because it reminded me that even if my husband didn't care that he hurt me or was upset over the tears that I cried and the pain he placed upon me, God did. God cared about my pain. He knows exactly how many tears I have cried over my divorce. And I have a feeling it is a lot. Stacey spoke about God having a plan for each of our lives, and she hit the nail on the head. I know that God brought her to Thomasville because He knew that I would need her. She may be my cousin, but she really is more like a sister to me. We may fight like sisters, but we love like sisters as well. I am so blessed to have her. She has been so patient with me this past year. I can't imagine where I would be today without her. She was the perfect person for me to heal with. She would allow me to cry, but at times, she would also tell me to dry it up, because he wasn't worth my tears. She gave me a reality check when I needed one. One of the funnier things she said to me was when we were at the Florida/Auburn game this past fall. We were sitting around watching the football game and I was behind a couple and it made me sad because I missed my husband. So of course, I was crying like an idiot right there in front of everyone. She looked at me and said "you came here to have fun, not to cry. so quit being retarded and have fun." Granted at the time, it made me cry harder, but looking back on it, it was actually pretty comical. Actually, I'm surprised she didn't just leave me right there and make me hitchhike back to Montgomery :) I was pretty ridiculous. I'm just thankful that she would force me to have strength when I had none myself. With all that being said, I hope one day I am able to repay her for all that she has done for me (hopefully, not in the same capacity, I wouldn't wish that on anyone). But until that day comes, all I can do is say thank you and that I love you, Stacey Suzanne. You are definitely the bomb.com. When I count my blessings, I count you twice.

I know that God has a plan for my life. I pray all the time that He will use what I have been through for something for His glory. Genesis 50:20 sums it up nicely, "What you intended for evil, God intended it for good." Satan won the battle over my marriage. However, Satan will never be victorious over me. He may win a battle here and there, but he will never win the war. I know that God will use what I have been through for the good. The Bible tells us that "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28)." God created me for a specific purpose on this Earth that only I can accomplish. He chose me. I am important to Him. I am His creation. It is my obligation and duty to be obedient to Him, obey His commandments, and seek His will for my life. I have complete faith and trust in God that He will take care of me and see me through until He calls me home. Are there things I wish I didn't have to endure to grow more fully in Him? Sure! If I had my way, I would still be married and I would be rocking a baby at this very moment. But God has different plans for my life. Proverbs states that we may make our plans, but God determines our steps. I put my plans ahead of God's concerning moving ahead with IVF to have a child and I know that was probably what cost me my marriage. I should have waited for God's timing and not my own. When Joseph was ready. Instead, I pressured him and forced him to embarrass himself going through that process and allowed Satan to come in and plant that seed of discontentment in my husband. I'm not excusing his actions, but I can understand the part that I played. At the end of the day, hurting people hurt people. My husband was hurting and found comfort elsewhere. I know he didn't go out to seek it. The opportunity presented itself and he was weak and fell into a trap. Satan has had a long time to figure out how to deceive God's children. That's why I never saw it coming. For all I knew, my husband was happy and that he loved and cherished me. He prayed for me each night, asked God to strengthen our marriage daily, we were even in a Sunday School class that was devoted specifically to the marriage relationship.  Why would I think we were at risk for divorce? That's how it happens. Like a thief in the night, Satan comes in to devour God's sheep. To feed off of our insecurities and doubts and to lead us off of God's path to our own path of destruction. Like that first deception in the Garden of Eden with Eve and the fruit. It was dangled in her face, too irresistible to resist not taking a bite. And of course the famous line "did God really say...?" was uttered and caused mankind to fall into sin. We all have our own brand of fruit that Satan tempts us with. I know that when we are tempted and we know that it's not right, instead of making justifications and rationalizations, we should take the same attack plan that Jesus did when he was tempted by Satan and state - "it is written..." and go to the Bible for our answers. In the end, we could all save ourselves a lot of trouble and heartache if we only had the discernment and the fortitude to do that. It is because "it is written" that I have to forgive my husband and to pray for him (which I do). I don't think he is some awful, horrible person. I think he is someone who has been greatly deceived and truly believes that what he did was justified for him to be happy. God will work it all out in the end. He loves Joseph, too and has a plan for his life as well. I can't sit here forever and whine and complain about what all happened. I could stay bitter and hurt but that's not fruit of the spirit. A spirit of defeat does not come from God. There comes a time to heal, forgive, and move on. To forgive, because Christ first forgave us. It is written. You can enjoy fruits of the spirit- joy, love, peace, happiness- even in the midst of trials and tribulations. With God there is always hope for your future. There is always healing of your past. I tried my hardest to salvage my marriage and I was willing to keep my vows. Sadly, it didn't work out that way where this story has a happy ending. It will forever be a part of my life and it has helped shaped me into the person I am today. Like I said in the beginning of this post, that I didn't intend to address this topic today. It just sort of came about. These are just a few things that I have learned through this process. I haven't always acted and said things that I should have. I wish I had had a better grasp on my emotions and didn't let them run my actions. I did and said things that I am not proud of. I am ashamed of them. But thankfully with God comes forgiveness. I have learned so much and grown so very much. I have been showered with much love by my family and friends. They have been such a great support and I am so thankful that God placed me in my family. I can also say that I am thankful for the years that I had with my husband. He has made me a stronger person (whether he intended to or not ha!) and I am better off for it. I can also say that I am thankful for this past year. It has brought me closer in my relationship with the Lord and that, my friends,  is priceless. I will end this post with one of my favorite passages in the Bible. Isaiah 40:27-31. It reminds me to always wait for the Lord. He will always renew your strength. He can always make beauty out of ashes and mourning into dancing. Always.

Why do you say, O Jacob,
and speak, O Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord,
and my right is disregarded by my God”?
Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.